Beauty and The Beast
by Phantom Hand
Summary: Yeah... the title says it all. We screwed over a classic tale to fit our warped needs. We have replaced the beloved characters with Naruto ones! This fic will blow your mind, then save you from the pain. Itanaru.
1. Chapter 1

Hi All!!!!!!! Errrr… this is a very new realm for me… I don't write Naruto, at all, nor do I ever post on this site. But to be fair, this is a joint effort of myself and Pink Haired Brat We were watching Beauty and the Beast, and had Itachi on the brain… so this was spawned. Yay! Flames are totally otay! This is meant to be light and silly, so don't expect much, but do expect sex. So without further ado… please continue on with our story and enjoy.

**Once upon a time…**

There lived a prince of unimaginable ego, and quite a bit of evil. He lived in his palace with all his servants in a castle deep within the forest and mountains. One winter's night an old beggar woman came to the prince's castle asking for shelter from the winter's cold, and in return would give him a rose. Sickened by the old women's appearance the prince turned her away, just before her ugliness vanished and turned into the beautiful witch known as Tsunade. Shocked the prince snorted, "Whatever, you have no power here. I do." Tsunade glared at the prince, nobody insulted her in that manner, so she placed a curse on him transforming him into an even BIGGER bastard, with wolf ears and tail.

Tsunade laughed, "This shall be your form young prince, for eternity." Tsunade sighed, "Actually, that's not entirely true…" The witch gave the now glowing and enchanted rose to Itachi, "There is a loophole… should you find someone you love unselfishly, and who returns your love, the spell will be broken. I imagine finding such a person is impossible, but that should one be found there will be huge musical numbers."

"You bitch." The price's eyes turned a demonic red.

"Ah… hehe. Oh yeah and all your servants are…household items now. Ta!" And with those parting words, the witch was gone, never to be heard from again… at least heard from by Itachi.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

The sun shone off the blonde locks of the young and handsome Naruto as he made his way to the town square. The dress he was wearing matched his sky blue eyes. He carried a small basket around his delicate arm he began to sing softly.

"_Little town_

_It's a quiet village_

_Every day_

_Like the one before_

_Little town_

_Full of little people_

_Waking up to say"_

Frighteningly to Naruto the townspeople just began to scream "Bonjour!" at him!

His blue eyes were filled with fright, "Oh gods, why again? After all this time, the villagers still refuse to leave me alone… I just want to sing…"

Naruto took off running to the book store as shouts of "Hello!" "How are you?!" "BON-FREAKEN-JOUR!" was hurled at him. He finally reached the bookstore and slammed the door shut behind him gasping for air. The bookstore keeper looked up from his bible.

"Ah, Naruto."

"Hidan, what the hell is up with this town?!" Naruto asked on the brink of tears.

Hidan shrugged. "You know you can't start a song and finish it by yourself, Naruto." Hidan said shaking his head. "Now how are you this morning?"

"Oh yes, I finished the book I borrowed."

"You freak, already? I mean I leant it to you just 10 minutes ago!"

"Yeah, I just couldn't stop reading for anything, and I mean anything. So, do you have anything new?"

"Not...not since 10 minutes ago."

Naruto sighed and looked around the shelves of books in the store, "That's all right…….I'll borrow this one!" The adorable little blonde took a book from a shelf.

Hidan looked shocked, "But you've read it twice! You had it a whole hour!"

Naruto sent him a defensive pout, "Well, it's my favorite! Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise…-"

Hidan laughed, "If you like it so much it's yours." He whispered to himself so Naruto couldn't hear, "Maybe this will keep you away for a few days… gods I hope."

"But sir!"

"Insist!"

Naruto looked nervous, "O- okay. Thank you. Thank you very much!" He opened the book and left the store reading his new book hoping that immersing himself in the story would drown out the townsfolk's singing and undirected insults on how beautiful he was but at the same time so strange cause he loved to read.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Orochimaru scooped up the dead bird that was just shot down from the sky; he pulled out the shuriken from its body. "Wow! Sasuke you didn't miss a shot! You're the greatest ninja ever!"

"I know." Sasuke said twirling a shuriken with his fingers.

Orochimaru grinned

"No beast alive stands a chance against you. Ha ha ha! And no girl for that matter!"

Sasuke turned. "It's true!! Just count the number of my fan girls…oh wait YOU CAN'T! That's how many fan girls I have. But I have my sights set on her." Sasuke pointed at Naruto who kept reading as he walked through the streets.

"Y-you know he's a guy." Orochimaru commented.

"Shut up! I'll kill you again!"

"Sorry."

"She's the most beautiful girl in town."

"But-"

"That makes her the best! And don't I deserve the best?!" Sasuke asked grabbing Orochimaru by the collar.

"Yes! Okay! Okay!" Orochimaru nearly cried. Sasuke dropped him and turned and began to sing.

"_Right from the moment when I met her, saw her_

_I said she's gorgeous and I fell_

_Here in town there's only she_

_Who is beautiful as __**ME**_

_So I'm making plans to woo and marry Naruto!"_

Sakura and Ino watched from a small distance fanning themselves as Sasuke stomped after Naruto. They sang out after him;

"_Look there he goes_

_Isn't he dreamy?_

_Monsieur Sasuke,_

_Oh he's so cute!_

_Be still my heart_

_I'm hardly breathing_

_He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome emo!"_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Everyone continued to sing loudly and obnoxiously about what they were buying or doing. Naruto stand what could have stand and he couldn't stand no more! He sang out loudly.

"_There must be more than this provincial life!"_

Sasuke sang right back.

"_Just watch, I'm going to make Naruto my wife!"_

The townspeople finally finished their song, Naruto turned back and glared at them. "I'm better than you all." The young man continued his way after delivering his unheeded feelings, only to be stopped by a strong hand wrapping around his waist.

"Hello Naruto."

Naruto let out a long suffering sigh, "Bonjour Sasuke."

Sasuke took the book from Naruto's hand, completely ignoring the fact that Naruto obviously didn't want the jerk around.

"Can I have my book, please?" The blonde tried really heard not to sound like he hated Sasuke and the air he breathed.

Sasuke opened the book and flipped through the pages with a confused look on his face, "How do you read this? There's no pictures!"

Naruto growled, "Some people have imaginations!"

Sasuke laughed, "Naruto it's about time you got your head out of those books," Sasuke casually tossed the book in the mud, grinning at Naruto's angry gasp, "And paid attention to more important things… like me. The whole towns talking about it."

Naruto, who was on the ground cleaning his mud covered book, glared at Sakura and Ino as they sighed.

Sasuke shrugged his muscular emo shoulders, "It's not right for a woman to read--soon she starts getting ideas... and thinking.**"**

Naruto opened his mouth to retort, but stopped short and gave Sasuke a slightly puzzled look, "You do know I'm a boy, right?"

Sasuke grabbed Naruto around the waist again and hugged him close, ignoring Naruto's struggles, "My little wife! What strange ideas those books give you!" Naruto managed to get loose from Sasuke's arms… mostly. Sasuke kept one arm around the blonde's shoulders and was steering him toward the local tavern, "Why don't we go in, have a drink, and look at my impressive weapons collection. I promise that every one of them has killed at least one person."

Naruto ducked under and slipped away from Sasuke's hold. "No." he said turning away.

Sakura and Ino gasped insulted that Naruto wouldn't take up the offer they so clearly would never receive!

"What's wrong with him?" Sakura snapped.

"He's crazy!" Ino added, they both looked over at Sasuke and sighed dreamily. "He's gorgeous."

"I have to get home and help my father." Naruto said.

Sasuke laughed out as Orochimaru shouted; "Ha-ha! That crazy old loon needs all the help he can get!"

Naruto turned on his heel. "Don't talk about my father that way!"

Sasuke whacked Orochimaru over the head. "Yeah don't talk about her father that way!"

"For fucks sake bastard, I am A BOY! BELIEVE IT!" (A/n- Couldn't resist) "And my father is a genius!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Aw damn." Naruto grumbled running up to his house where the explosion came from. Sasuke and Orochimaru still laughing.

"Papa?" Naruto called climbing down the basement stairs. He saw destruction everywhere.

"How on Earth did this happen, darn it!" Minato Namikaze growled as he pulled a barrel off his waist. Naruto sighed, "Are you alright, Papa?"

"Do I look like I'm alright?! I'm coverd in soot and a part of my hair is on fire!"

Naruto laughed. "Oh Papa!"

"God, you went into town in a dress again, I have no son." Minato sighed taking note of Naruto's apperance. "And I'm also about to give up on this bonehead contraption!"

"You always say that…"

"I mean it! I'll never get to make it work!"

"Yes you will and you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow." Naruto said reassuringly.

"Hmmph!"

"….and become a world famous invenor?"

"You really believe that?"

"Believe it." Naruto smiled. Minato nodded. "Well, what are we waiting for. I'll have this thing fixed in no time" He slid under the machine. "Hand me that dog-legged clenched there... So, did you have a good time in town today?"

"I got a new book, Papa; do you think I'm odd?"

"You're my only son. You wear dresses. You send the whole town into a musical number. What makes you think you're odd?" Minato grumbled. Naruto "accidentally" stomped on his father's foot.

"Ouch! Ok who called you odd?!"

"The whole damn town, Papa! There's no one to talk to here, I don't fit here."

"Uh…how bout that Sasuke he's a nice fellow?"

"Ugh, he thinks I'm a girl."

Minato clenched his hands restraining his sarcastic remark. "Don't worry…" he said instead, "This invention is gonna put Namikaze Inc. on the map! It will be the start of a new life." Minato came out from uder the machine, "I think it's done. Now lets give it a try." He started up the contration, it spluttered and whorled, and Minato looked away in dissapointment, but suddently the machine began to chop wood, as was its design.

Naruto gasped in excitement, "It works!"

His father turned in surprise, "It does? It does!"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Naruto waved as his father left the house. "Good bye, Papa! Good luck!"

Minato looked back at his son, "Good-bye Naruto! Take care while I'm gone!" And with that he turned his sights to the path ahead. 'Such good vibes, no way I'll get lost!' 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Those good vibes were false prophets because the slightly eccentric inventor found himself hopelessly lost in the forest not a few hours later. Not only lost in a dangerous forest, but a dark and foggy dangerous forest.

Minato sighed, "We should have been there by now. Maybe we missed a turn... I guess I should have taken a..." Just then the fork in the road became visible through the thick fog, a sign post stood, waiting to guide. The lost traveler held up his lantern to read it; one way to Anaheim and the other Valencia. After a moment, Minato pulled the reins to lead his horse-Gamabunta- down the path to the right.

Now, Gamabunta was not a dumb horse, he was even know to the village as a fox killer, so when he saw the he was being led down a dark, foggy, overgrown road when a perfectly nice one was only a different direction away... he pulled to the left.

Minato yanked the reluctant horse right again, "Come on Gamabunta! It's a shortcut; we'll be there in no time!" And so they continued their journey...

**XOXOXOXOX**… Unknown amount of time later...**OXOXOXOXOXO**

Minato looked around with a worried expression on his face, "This can't be right. Where have you taken us, Gamabunta?" The horse let out an offended whiney, "We'd better turn around...and...Whoa...whoa boy, whoa Gamabunta! Oh, oh! Look out!" A tree not far away suddenly erupted with bats.

Now, Gamabunta is a smart horse... but he is a horse, so like any spooked horse, the poor frightened animal ran mindlessly through the forest. With Minato helpless to stop him. Finally the trees broke, only to reveal a cliff! Thankfully, Minato managed to gain control of Gamabunta, "Back up! Back up! Back up! Good boy, good boy. That's good, that's--back up! Steady. Steady! Hey now. Steady."

Or perchance not because at this point Gamabunta was willing to cut his losses and bucked Minato off his back.

"Gamabunta!" The call was did nothing and the previously faithful horse ran off into the woods. "Gamabunta? Oh no!" It would seem that our heroine's... err... hero's father had landed himself in an action movie because things just kept going from bad to worse. The mad flight of Gamabunta through the forest had attracted the attention of a local wolf pack.

Minato cursed his luck and ran for all he was worth. Thankfully he had a bit of a head start and really long legs, after stumbling down a hill, the inventor found himself outside an iron wrought gate. He could hear the soft pounding of swift wolf paws behind him, so close- too close.

Minato frantically grabbed the locked gate and tried to shake it open, "Help! Is someone there?!" He almost fell forwards as the gate opened of its own accord, "Thank the gods!" The shaken man slammed the gate in just enough time to escape the wolves. Minato quickly kicked the gate shut with his foot before the wolves could get in. Minato stood up and backed away, his hat we forgot to mention that he was wearing fell from his head. He turned around to face a large castle before his eyes, thunder roared and rain poured down suddenly.

"That's never a good sign." Minato sighed, shaking his head. He looked over his shoulders back at the wolves, growling and snarling at the gate. Minato winced and ran up to the castle's doors. He knocked on the door loudly, the giant door creeked open ominously. "Ooh, not a good sign either." Minato said lowly, but still entered in cautiously.

"Hello?" he called out. "Hello?"

"Aw, poor fellow must have lost his way in the woods." A mellowed voice came from the dark.

"Keep still! Their sight is based on movement!" another voice snapped.

"Those are prostitutes you idiot, and I wished it was a prostitute."

Minato turned to where he could hear the voices come from. "Who's there?"

"Not a word, Kakashi, not one word." The small clock, called Iruka ordered, the candle stick named, Kakashi.

"I don't mean to intrude, but I lost my horse and I need a place to stay!"

Kakashi turned to Iruka. "The man lost his horse! His horse…think of the horse."

Iruka slapped his hand over Kakashi's mouth. Kakashi narrowed his eyes and held up his hand, burning Iruka's hand. "Shh!"

"OW! OW! OOOWWW!"

Minato turned to the noise, "Whose there?!?!"


	2. Chapter 2

P.H-Second chapter!

P.B-Enjoy it or die!(P.H.: My, aren't we violent today…)

Gaara- That was my line…These two hug rapists don't own Naruto and I thank God everyday that they don't.

Kakashi hopped to the end of the table. "Over here, monsieur." He called to Minato. Minato grabbed what he thought was a normal candle stick, and spun around looking for the myyysssterrioussss voice.

"Who said that?"

"Over here." Kakashi tapped his shoulder. Minato spun the opposite way. "Where?"

"Here." Kakashi whacked Minato across the head. Minato looked at the candle stick dumbfound. "Allo'" Kakashi greeted, Minato shouted and dropped Kakashi.

"DEMON CANDLE STICK!" Minato screamed. "I know I'll put your spirit it to my already freakish son!"

Kakashi looked up at the blonde man. "I assure you monsieur I am not a demon candle stick…I'm just a talking candle stick."

Minato chuckled. "Oh good!"

Iruka jumped down and glared at Kakashi. "Well, now you've done it, Kakahi. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh!" Minato lifted Iruka up to his face.

"How is this accomplished?"

"Put me down at once!!" Iruka yelled. Minato turned Iruka around and began to wind the spring on the back of him, causing a very painful look to cross Iruka's face, he shouted out. "Kakashi!"

Kakashi chuckled. "It's kinkier when somebody else does it to you."

Minato turned Iruka around again, and opened the front, and played with the pendulum. Iruka shirked, "Do, you MIND?!" he slammed his front closed on Minato's finger.

"What's going on here?" Minato asked looking at both Kakashi and Iruka fascinated.

"Besides the fact that you manhandled an enchanted clock? Hmm." Kakashi tapped his chin. Iruka glared at Kakashi "I was not manhandled."

"Ah-Ah---AAHHHCHOOOO!" Minato sneezed right into Iruka's face. Iruka opened his eyes slowly, and wiped away the mucus from his face. "That was very rude of you to indicate you got a cold from the rain, you could have simply told us and covered your mouth." He stated slowly.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Poor guy, why don't you warm yourself by the fire?"

Minato sniffed "Thank you." He set Iruka down and followed Kakashi towards the den. Iruka gasped, "No, no, no, no, NO! Do you know what the master will do if he finds out! I demand you to stop…right…there!" Iruka chased after them, tripping down the stairs to the den. When he looked up he found Minato sitting down in a large chair while an enchanted coat hanger placed a warm blanket over him. "Oh no not the Master's chair." He groaned, as a footstool known as Akamaru ran past Iruka barking loudly. "I'm not seeing this." Iruka said quietly.

Minato patted Akamaru's head. "Hello there!" Akamaru ran under Minato's feet and lifted them up with a happy bark. "What service, those good vibes are back again!"

Iruka grunted and stood up, "All right this has gone far enough, I'm in charge here and-"

A tea cart zoomed over Iruka sending him to the floor again.

A tea pot with unnaturally large eyebrows pulled up next to Minato. "How would you like some tea of YOUTH?!" Gai smiled, "It will warm you up." He said as he poured the tea from his spout into a tiny cup with the same kind of eyebrows named Lee. "Would you like some sugar of TRUTH?!"

"N-No…thank though." Minato said shrinking back a little. Lee hopped into Minato's hand.

"No tea." Iruka's muffled voice came. "No tea!"

"It's not tea!" Gai shouted offended. "It's tea of YOUTH!"

"Fine! No tea of youth!"

Minato ignored the two arguing enchanted items and sipped his tea. The small cup giggled. "It tickles Mama!"

Gai sighed, "Lee, I am not your mother."

Minato looked down at the cup about to say something when the doors slammed open, the large flame in the fireplace went out, yeah the person who opened the door is just that evil. Lee jumped behind Gai frightened. "Uh oh." He shivered.

Minato cursed the vibes.

Itachi came into the room slowly. "There's a stranger here." He growled.

Kakashi bravely came forward. "Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet..." Itachi roared blowing out Kakashi's flames. Kakashi looked down. "Hard ass." He grumbled.

Iruka was the next to speak"Master, I'd like to take this moment to say...I was against this from the start. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no, no!" Itachi growled loudly, Iruka gulped. Minato looked over the side of the chair, and slide down, those fucking vibes. Itachi appeared next to him "Who are you! What are you doing here?!"

"I-I'm sorry I got lost in the woods and…"

"Getting lost in the woods doesn't give you the right to stay here! You're not welcomed here!"

"I'm sorry…"

Itachi glared at him more. "What are you staring at?"

"No-nothing."

"Sooooooo you've come to stare at the beast!" he pointed to his wolf ears. Minato tried to get away.

"I didn't mean any harm I just needed a place to stay."

"I'll give you a place to stay!" Itachi yelled grabbing poor Minato by the collar and carried him away from the room.

"Oh please! No! No!" Minato begged and then the doors slammed shut, silencing the poor man's cries.

"Well shit." Kakashi said. "If I knew Master would react like that I wouldn't have let the poor guy in."

Iruka lunged at Kakashi's throat.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Ochimaru and Sasuke stood in front of Naurto's cottage. Ochimaru snikered. "Heh! Oh boy! Naruto is gonna get the surprise of his life, huh Sasuke?"

"Yep! This is her lucky day!" Sasuke declared fixing his collar. Ochimaru sighed. There was just no convincing him about Naruto's gender. Sasuke turned to everyone in the yard. "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my emo wedding! But first I better go in there and….propose to the girl." He chuckled at his own joke. Everyone laughed nervously. A few people asked out; "Does he even know?"

Sakura and Ino sobbed. Sasuke turned back to Ochimaru. "Now Ochimaru when Naruto and I come out that door--"

"Oh I know! I know I strike up the band!" the black haired man waved his arms to the band, which played the bridal march. Sasuke slammed at baritone on Ochimaru's head.

"Not yet." Sasuke snapped. Ochimaru's tongue slipped out the mouth piece, "Sthorry!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Naruto laid across a chair reading his book when a knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. The blonde stood and gracefully made his way to the door, he glanced through the viewing device his father built, to see a fish eyed view of Sasuke, Naruto rolled his eyes and moaned.

With great reluctance, the young blond opened the door, "Sasuke, what a pleasant… surprise…" The unveiled sarcasm in Naruto's tone was either completely above Sasuke's comprehension, or the arrogant emo just ignored it. We can't be entirely sure.

Sasuke just grinned, which made Naruto want to grind his teeth, "Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Naruto, there's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day..." The raven (A/N: I just don't get why so many of the fanfiction I read just refers to Sasuke as 'the raven') paused, he had become distracted by his reflection and was preening in the mirror hung on the wall, he flipped a bit of his midnight hair out of his face. He suddenly picked the conversation back up as if nothing had taken his attention away from it, "This is the day your dreams come true." Sasuke gave Naruto an indulgent smile.

Naruto was about to give the jerk the dressing-down of the century, but paused and considered the words, "You mean you finally realized I'm a boy and will give up your crazy ideas of marriage?"

Sasuke just laughed, "Oh, you're so silly!" He leaned forwards a bit and poked Naruto gently on his pert little nose, causing the blond to flush in anger.

Naruto smacked the offending appendage away, "What the hell do you know of my dreams, teme?!?"

Sasuke walked past Naruto from the entrance and fully into the house, without permission. The blond practically radiated anger, but he was rather interested in exactly what warped ideas the bastard has put together in his head.

"Plenty, here, picture this." Naruto bit back a growl as Sasuke plopped into a chair and put his mud-covered boots up, right onto the blond's book, before kicking the shoes off and exposing his icky holey socks. With a wiggle of his toes, Sasuke began to regale Naruto with what life would be like for them, "A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs.

Naruto made a strange noise in the back of his throat, somewhere between extreme disgust and exasperation, "I'm a boy…"

The quite declaration was absolutely ignored by Sasuke; the raven got up to face Naruto, "We'll have six or seven."

"…dogs?" Naurto was growing tried of the conversation and just wanted the bastard gone.

"No Naruto! Strapping little emo boys! Like me!"

Naruto sighed and rubbed his temples in an attempt to get rid of a quickly forming headache, he picked up the dirtied book and replaced it on the bookshelf, _'Is it even possible to be this oblivious?' _

"Imagine that." Naruto replied flatly.

"And do you know who that wife will be?"

Naruto kept his gaze on the books, hearing Sasuke getting up from the chair. "Let me think."

Sasuke spun Naruto around to face him cornering him. "You, Naruto."

Naruto ducked under Sasuke's arms and crossed across the room quickly, Sasuke in suit knocking chairs out of his way.

"Sasuke, I'm speechless-PICK UP THAT CHAIR!"

Sasuke had Naruto pinned against the door. "Sasuke I-"

"Say you'll marry me."

"I'm very sorry Sasuke" Naurto's hand felt around for the doorknob. "I'm…I'm just better than you!" he yelled opening the door he ducked under as Sasuke stumbled outside into a pit of mud. The band began to play the wedding march, Naruto tossed out Sasuke's boots and slammed the door shut again.

Orochimaru came forward as Sasuke lifted his head that a pig sat atop. Orochimaru chuckled and lifted up Sasuke's bangs with a stick. "How'd it go?"

Sasuke's hand shot out and grabbed Orochimaru by the throat pulling him forward.

"I _will_ make Naruto my wife. Make no mistake of that!" He said darkly. He flung poor Orochimaru into the mud and struggled out himself. Orochimaru looked over at the pig. "Touchy."

Naruto peeked out of the house after a while. "Is he gone?" he asked the chickens as if the truly understood him. He stepped out fully, "Can you imagine, he asked me to marry him! Me, the wife of that, boorish, brainless…"

Naruto looked left, and then to his right. He hopped down the stairs and made a total 360 around the cottage and sighed happily. No village people to join in on his solo.

"_Madame Sasuke, can't you just see it  
Madame Sasuke, his little wife  
Not me, no sir, I guarantee it  
I want much more than this provincial life..."_

XOXOXOXOXO

Itachi's head perked up. "I hear another fucking musical number beginning."

XOXOXOXOXO

"I-"

A loud whine startled Naruto from finishing his song. He swore inwardly, and turned to see Gamabunta running to him without Minato. Naruto gasped, "Gamabunta what are you doing here? Where's papa? What happened? Oh you have to take me to him!" he said unhitching the wagon from the horse.

XOXOXOXOXO TIME SKIP,LAWL XOXOXOXOXO

Naruto looked up at the foreboding castle. Gamabunta bucked, Naruto slid off comforting him. "Just wait here." He said, Naruto spotted his father's hat on the ground. "Oh gods." He rushed up to the castle's doors.

Inside two enchanted items argued.

"Couldn't keep quiet, could we. Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch." Iruka sassed. Kakashi sighed. "I was just trying to be hospitable."

"Hello? Is anyone here? Papa? Pa are you here?" Naruto called softly

XOXOXOXOXO

In the kitchen Lee hopped onto the counter. "Mama Gai there's a girl in the castle!"

"God damnit little boy! I am not your mama! And stop your lying it deflowers YOUTH!" The teapot shouted and he nudged Lee into a hot bucket of soapy water.

"AAAH! THIS WATER IS NOT YOUTHFUL!" Lee cried before sinking to the bottom.

A strangely curvy feather duster swept into the room. "It is true, there is a girl in the castle."

"Oh gods Neji not you too!" Gai groaned. Lee bolted from the water. "See? I toooold ya."

"You know what this is?" the seductive feather duster spoke.

"Oh here it comes." The whole kitchen said together.

"DESTINY!" He screamed, then giggled and sashayed out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXO

Iruka continued his rant "Irresponsible, devil-May-cry-"

"Gods I love that game!" Kakashi interrupted.

"Ooh me too! Have you beaten it yet?"

"No, Virgil keeps killing me."

"Same here I swear-"

"Papa?"

The two froze. Kakashi let out a long agonized gasp and hopped forward. "Did you see that?!" he jumped up and down excitedly "It's a girl!"

"I know it's a girl!"

"She's the one! That slutty feather duster was right! Destiny has sent someone to break the spell."

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!"

Kakashi and Iruka followed Naruto and helped the poor blond find the way to his father without him even noticing that they did, how? DON'T QUESTION DISNEY!

"Papa? Papa?" Naruto called walking up a flight of stairs grabbing a small torch from the wall. Kakashi and Iruka rushed off before Naruto could actually notice them.

"Hey who's there?" he said loudly. "I'm looking for my father!"

Naruto sighed "I'm sure someone was there."

Minato's weak voice called out. "Naruto?"

Naruto ran to the cell his father was locked in. "Oh Papa!"

"How did you find me?"

Naruto held Minato's hands. "You're freezing! I have to get you out of here."

"Naruto, for once do not be stubborn and get out of here!" Minato said nervously.

"Who's done this to you?!" Naruto pleaded. "I won't leave you!"

A strong hand gripped Naruto by the shoulder and spun him around, Naruto screamed and dropped the torch into a small puddle sending the dungeon into darkness.

TBC …

Phantom Hand: Oh yes, aren't we evil. Lawl. I'm kind of ashamed, since I did nearly NONE of the work for this chapter… I wrote a few paragraphs, most of the work was done by my partner in crime, Pink Haired Brat.

Pink Haired Brat: Party on, Phantom Hand!

Phantom Hand: You were watching Waynes World again, weren't you?

Pink Haired Brat: Maybe. Party on Gaara.

Gaara: Party on Pinky!

Phantom Hand: Anyway… the only point of all this is to inform everyone of my shame, and to say that the letters in 'Sasuke' can be rearranged to spell 'ass uke.' So until next time… read, flame, or review. And remember, don't abuse your uke.

Pink Haired Brat: They really don't deserve it, cept Sasuke. He's begging for it.


	3. Chapter 3

**P.H.: Wow, well, what does one say in a moment like this?**

**S.T.Y: How about..."Sorry for having a life? And leaving my writing friend to rot alone?"**

**P.H: That is one way- YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME!? I guess I have been gone awhile- and didn't pay any attention when sent me those story alerts from you.**

**S.T.Y: (snort) That would explain. A LOT, my so called, BETA. ANYWAY. Getting offa subject...Oooh Gaara!**

**Gaara: OH FUCK. You TWO.**

**P.H: Now Gaara, you know I'm only attracted to big manly men... not cute little ukes like you. (huggle)**

**Gaara: I'm...I'm not uke! (frowny face)**

**S.T.Y: Tell that to Lee. Now, do your stuff uke boi.**

**Gaara: (sigh) Phantom Hand and Sexii-Turk-Yo, don't own Naruto. Can I go home?**

**S.T.Y: To Lee?**

**Gaara: To Lee...aw shit.**

**P.H: Piffle! We have a story to continue! On with the show!**

A voice growled in the sudden dark, "What are you doing here?!"

Minato's voice was nearly drowned by the anger in the other, "Run, Naruto!"

Naruto sat frozen near his father's cell- the room was almost completely dark- save for a single shaft of light from a hole in the ceiling, looking frantically for the strange- yet somehow alluring- voice, "Who's there? Who are you?!"

The voice came again, mocking, "The master of this castle!"

Naruto flinched as the silhouetted figure moved about in the dark, but his voice did not waver, "I've come for my father. Please let him out! Can't you see he's sick?"

"Then he should not have trespassed here!"

"But he could die! Please, I'll do anything..." Naruto didn't stop to think what, 'anything' entailed- but no one ever accused Naruto of thinking.

"There is nothing you can do. He's my prisoner"

Naruto shifted as the figure once again prowled about in the tower room, "Oh, there must be some way I can..." The figure began to move away, "Wait!" Naruto could tell he had it's attention, "Take me... instead!"

The voice was quite for a moment, "You... would take his place?" The anger was replaced by mild surprise.

Minato's furious voice ripped through the tower, "NARUTO! Don't you dare do what I know you're thinking about doing!"

Naruto, as always, ignored his father, "If I did... would you let him go?"

The voice was quick to agree, "Yes! But... you must stay here forever..."

Naruto squinted at the figure- he was not going to give up his freedom to some creepy shadow- he was going to see it's face damn it! "Come into the light..."

Minato's once again needed to be heard, "No! Naruto! It's hideous- look away!!" He was, of course, ignored.

The figure slowly stepped into the light, back rim-rod straight, as it reveled itself.

Naruto gasped, and covered his mouth... to keep from laughing. THAT was the creepy thing in the dark?! It growled, and poor Naruto lost it.

"Wh...what's so scary about you?" Naruto got out between giggles. "You're just a guy with cute wolf ears and a tail!" he pointed out.

Than man sneered and glared at the laughing blond harshly. "And you're a cross dressing boy, but do you see me giggling at that? Are you going to sacrifice yourself for your father or not?!" he demanded.

Naruto, who was still in a fit of giggles, could only wave a hand and nod. The man stormed past Naruto. "Done." He threw the cell door open.

"The fuck!" Minato cried. "I could have opened this thing the whole time?!" He shook his head and ran to his son's side. "Stop laughing, you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into. Naruto, I'm old I-" Minato was grabbed by the back of his shirt and was being hauled off. Naruto's laughter died instantly. "Wait!" he yelled.

"Naruto!" Minato shouted, but soon found himself outside being dragged to a vine covered coach. Itachi opened the door and flung Minato inside. "Take him to the village." he commanded and turned on his heel.

"I'll get my son back!" Minato swore as the coach carried him away. Itachi rolled his eyes. "That'll only take you a few more chapters..."

Itachi stormed back up the stairs to the tower. Stopping at Kakashi's voice. "Master?"

"What?" Itachi sneered. Kakashi continued. "Since the girl will be staying with us, I was thinking that you might want to offer her a more comfortable room-"

Itachi growled, blowing out Kakashi's flames and continued. Kakashi stood there. "Hard ass."

Naruto glared up at the man who seperated him from his father. "You didn't even let me say goodbye!" he yelled standing up, tears falling down his cheeks. Itachi stared at him. "Let me show you to your room."

Naruto blinked. "My room? But I thought..." he looked over his shoulder slightly.

"You want to stay in the tower?"

"No." Naruto said quickly. Itachi turned on his heel. "Follow me."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX LAWL OXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Naruto sighed as he was led through the castle by the jerk with the wolf appendages, he ignored the hideous decor, _'Obviously there to intimidate...' _The blonde thought to himself as he checked out his captor, besides the back ears and tail- he looked normal enough, oh and lets not forget his red eyes... can't forget those... Naruto's eyes wandered away from the back of the jerk's head, and found themselves latched onto his shapely backside. _'Oh my God, why am I checking him out?!'_ Naruto screamed in head.

Kakashi the candlestick, who was being held in a strong grip by Itachi gave out a whisper; "Psst, say something to her."

Itachi stopped his walking and looked at Kakashi. "Wha..._'her'_?"

"Yes, master. Her." Kakashi motioned to the blond boy in a dress. Itachi looked at Naurto before turning his attention back to Kakashi.

"That's a boy, Kakashi." Itachi stated. Kakashi frowned. "No, that's clearly a girl."

The two soon went into a harsh whispered argument. Naruto watched a bit off. _'Not only is he a jerk, he's psycotic!! He's arguing with a candle stick!' _

Itachi gave up, and started his walking again. He spoke roughly; "This is your home now. You're free to go about where ever you please, except for the West Wing..."

"What's the West Wing?" Naruto asked curiously following the psychotic wolf man.

"It's a crappy show!" Itachi hissed, turning to glare at Naruto, making him flinch. "Just stay away from there..."

Itachi finally stopped before a large door, he opened it up revealing a large bedroom. "If you need anything, my servants will attend to you." Itachi spoke, as Naruto walked into the room.

"Dinner. Invite her to dinner." Kakashi whispered quickly. Itachi rolled his eyes. "What? Then woo him, and have him fall in love with me?"

"That's kinda the point...have him...wait, him?"

Itachi ignored Kakashi. "You'll join me for dinner. That's not a request!" He slammed the door shut, making Naruto jump.

"You could have at least said 'Please'!" Naruto shouted, he gritted his teeth and stomped over to the bed and slammed himself down.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX LAWL OXOXOXOXOXOXOX

We now find ourselves in the midst of an emo fit- Newsflash, "Sasuke down in the dumps."(A/N: hohohohohoho)

Sasuke pouted in the local tavern, sitting his big, strong, emo self in his favorite chair, "Who does she think she is?! That girl has

tangled with the wrong man. No one says 'no' to the awesome emo, SASUKE!"

Orochimaru wisely decided this was not a good time to remind Sasuke that Naruto was a boy, "Damn right!"

"Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated. Why, it's more than any emo can bear!" He turned his chair from Orochimaru.

The little snake bastard quickly slid around the chair to face Sasuke, "More sake?"

"You know I don't drink! It numbs my emo emotions!"

Orochimaru was getting sick of hearing the word emo... "Well then, there is only one thing to do..."

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO LAWL OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Itachi's ears perked up, "I feel a disturbance in the Force..."

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO LAWL OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

_Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Sasuke_

_Looking so down in the dumps_

_Every guy here'd love to be you, Sasuke_

_-cheers-_

_Even when taking your lumps_

_There's no man in town as admired as you_

_You're everyone's favorite dude_

_Everyone's awed and inspired by you_

_And it's not very hard to see why!_

_No one's garble garble Sasuke, no one's garble gable Sasuke_

_No one's garble garble mumble garble Sasuke_

_Garble mumble garble gibberish garble_

_Garble mumble mumble_

_You can ask any Karin, Juugo, or Suigetsu ._

_And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!_

The various bar patrons were gearing up for another verse, when they were violently interrupted by someone storming into the tavern.

Minato stumbled into the tavern, a wild, scared look in his eyes. "Help me! Somebody please!" he gasped. Sasuke turned and looked at Minato. "Minato?"

"Please! Please, I need your help! He's got him. He's got him locked in the dungeon!"

Sasuke stared at him. "...okay? Who's him?"

"Naruto!"

"My precious Naruto?! Where is she?!"

The tavern got reallly quiet. Minato sighed and rubbed his temples. "The beast. He's got Naruto captive!"

"A beast?" A random drunk asked with a smirk. "Is it a big beast?"

"Huge!"

"Ugly with a long snout?" another asked

"Terrifying!"

"Sharp claws and fangs?" a drinker put in with a laugh.

"Yes! YES. Stop asking me questions! Will anybody help me?!"

Sasuke smirked. "Alright old man, we'll help you." he said waving a hand. Minato smiled weakly "Oh thank you, thank- woha!" He was hauled up again for the hundredth time that day and hurled outside.

"LOL, Crazy ol' Minato, he's always good for a laugh!" The drinkers laughed. Sasuke rubbed his chin. "Crazy ol' Minato...Crazy ol' Minato. Hmmm."

"S-Sasuke?" Orochimaru pipped. Sasuke snapped. "I gots a plan. We'll..." He pulled Orochimaru up and whispered in his ear.

Orochimaru nodded. "So he'll-she'll...and then...yeah...But I...Okay!"

"Let's do it!" Sasuke and Orochimaru sang out. "Nooooo oooooone gsdjehneiufejkfehfs Sasuke! Adjkshgjsdkhj Sasuke!"

As they waltzed around the tavern. The drinkers sang out; So his marriage we soon'll be celebrating! My what a guy, Saaaaaaaaaasukkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Outside Minato roamed around. "Will no help me?! Ooh a penny!"

**P.H: There is it... it was like labor!**

**S.T.Y: Booo. Where's the sexz? I want teh sexz, yo.**

**P.H: We'll get to it... eventually. Oh, and by the by- I happen to LIKE the West Wing, thank you very much.**

**S.T.Y: ...You're dead to me.**

**P.H: Then I guess no sex for you- in every sense of the word. lolz.**

**S.T.Y: (frownyfaceplz) Not cool. Fine, hope you all enjoyed this DELAYED chapter. More...soon...hopefully...God be willing...(makes a cross over chest)**

**P.H: I'm SORRY I work the days you go to school! Now that's not a problem though- is it. STUPID HURRICANE FAY!!**

**Gaara: Well, P.H is having another moment- so I'm going to get the hell out of here. See you next time.**

**S.T.Y: See you in bed...LEE'S bed.**

**Gaara: OMG. STFU. GTFO.**


End file.
